I love the dark hours of my being;
my mind deepens into them.
There I can find, as in old letters,
the days of my life, already lived and
held like a legend, and understood.
Then the knowing comes :
I can open to another life that's wide and timeless.
So I am sometimes like a
tree rustling
over a grave site and
making real the dream of the one
its living roots embrace :
a dream once lost
among sorrows
and
songs.
-- Rainer Maria Rilke
15.6.10
When poetry inspires...
No one lives his life.
Disguised since childhood,
haphazardly assembled
from voices and fears and little pleasures,
we come of age as masks.
Our true face never speaks.
Somewhere there must be storehouses where all these lives are laid away
like suits of armor or
old carriages or
clothes hanging limp on the walls.
Maybe all things lead there,
to the respository
of
unlived
things.
-- Rainer Maria Rilke
Disguised since childhood,
haphazardly assembled
from voices and fears and little pleasures,
we come of age as masks.
Our true face never speaks.
Somewhere there must be storehouses where all these lives are laid away
like suits of armor or
old carriages or
clothes hanging limp on the walls.
Maybe all things lead there,
to the respository
of
unlived
things.
-- Rainer Maria Rilke
9.6.10
a new era is upon us.
Friends!
I am not even certain who reads this anymore, but for anyone who does, an announcement : I'm ready to start blogging again!
Why did this require readiness? I'll try and explain.
In the past, this blog has been largely narcissistic -- the odd thought of profundity or for the world outside myself, but the main idea was to write smart/cool/funny things, and then find out who was reading them...and then feel really good about my blog following.
I've been pondering a reform for many months now, uncertain as of how to go about it, but I'll just get started, and then figure it out as I go.
I want to write about the things I am learning, not in my intelligence, but under the weighty hand of God, my Father. I wouldn't mind a rediscovery of writing, of working things out while sitting before my keyboard, although I have many more opportunities for that sort of conversation these days.
The point is...buckle up. If you do read, we can do this seeking-revelation thing together. If you don't, well...you probably aren't here right now.
To start, check out my friend rob steele's blog. He and he wife and 2 beautiful children moved to Lethbridge recently -- I do not know them well, but I look forward to some years in this city, in this church, together. They stand out to me as being quite worth the wait to get to know.
Enjoy, friends.
I am not even certain who reads this anymore, but for anyone who does, an announcement : I'm ready to start blogging again!
Why did this require readiness? I'll try and explain.
In the past, this blog has been largely narcissistic -- the odd thought of profundity or for the world outside myself, but the main idea was to write smart/cool/funny things, and then find out who was reading them...and then feel really good about my blog following.
I've been pondering a reform for many months now, uncertain as of how to go about it, but I'll just get started, and then figure it out as I go.
I want to write about the things I am learning, not in my intelligence, but under the weighty hand of God, my Father. I wouldn't mind a rediscovery of writing, of working things out while sitting before my keyboard, although I have many more opportunities for that sort of conversation these days.
The point is...buckle up. If you do read, we can do this seeking-revelation thing together. If you don't, well...you probably aren't here right now.
To start, check out my friend rob steele's blog. He and he wife and 2 beautiful children moved to Lethbridge recently -- I do not know them well, but I look forward to some years in this city, in this church, together. They stand out to me as being quite worth the wait to get to know.
Enjoy, friends.
20.1.10
why Taylor Swift is ruining my life...
I was listening to her sing on the way home...
She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts
She's cheer captain and I'm on the bleachers...
Can't you see, you belong with me...
Here's the thing Taylor: maybe he doesn't belong with you. At all.
AND THIS DOES NOT DEMEAN YOUR FRIENDSHIP!!
For the guy you've grown up being best friends with to say that you are not the woman he desires to marry is far from an insult -- and it doesn't even mean that he's been leading you on, or building up false hope of romance...
Ladies, this is what we have done.
We have wagered our value against these friendships, not as what they are, but as what we imagine them to be. I do not receive that my guy-friend loves me simply because of who I am, but I imagine that his care for me will lead to romance, which will fulfill my heart's longings, and thus...I will know that all along he has cared for me just the way I hoped he did.
And if this does not unfold, I am devastated, heartbroken as if we had dated; my value is torn apart, or at least severely dented, and I find I do not trust so easily, and I bury even deeper the truest desires of my heart...but not in Christ do I hide them. No, I hide them in pain and sarcasm and self-sufficiency and ragging on the men who I believe have wronged me.
Meanwhile, he may reject me or push me away or pull himself far back, just to protect what he can see is my wounded heart, not really having any idea how to do so, because he knows that he has loved me for me.
Not all friendships are this way, and we are not always the ones at fault for creating false hope, this isn't what I mean. But...the idea is there that to be valued is to be kissed and romanced, and tonight I submit that this simply is not true.
She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts
She's cheer captain and I'm on the bleachers...
Can't you see, you belong with me...
Here's the thing Taylor: maybe he doesn't belong with you. At all.
AND THIS DOES NOT DEMEAN YOUR FRIENDSHIP!!
For the guy you've grown up being best friends with to say that you are not the woman he desires to marry is far from an insult -- and it doesn't even mean that he's been leading you on, or building up false hope of romance...
Ladies, this is what we have done.
We have wagered our value against these friendships, not as what they are, but as what we imagine them to be. I do not receive that my guy-friend loves me simply because of who I am, but I imagine that his care for me will lead to romance, which will fulfill my heart's longings, and thus...I will know that all along he has cared for me just the way I hoped he did.
And if this does not unfold, I am devastated, heartbroken as if we had dated; my value is torn apart, or at least severely dented, and I find I do not trust so easily, and I bury even deeper the truest desires of my heart...but not in Christ do I hide them. No, I hide them in pain and sarcasm and self-sufficiency and ragging on the men who I believe have wronged me.
Meanwhile, he may reject me or push me away or pull himself far back, just to protect what he can see is my wounded heart, not really having any idea how to do so, because he knows that he has loved me for me.
Not all friendships are this way, and we are not always the ones at fault for creating false hope, this isn't what I mean. But...the idea is there that to be valued is to be kissed and romanced, and tonight I submit that this simply is not true.
11.1.10
C.S. Lewis considered this man to be a master...
"The kingdom of heaven is not come, even when God's will is our law : it is come when God's will is our will. While God's will is our law, we are but a kind of noble slaves ; when his will is our will, we are free children.". -- George MacDonald, in 'David Elginbrod'
9.9.09
new things.
well, i'm trying to figure out how to set up mobile blogging -- because, believe me, you want to know exactly what i am experiencing all day, everyday! let's be honest about that. :)
and...
i think that's really it. i used to blog about all my feelings, but they don't really need to be online; and while work today was pretty blase, everything else that happened wasn't, but that still doesn't mean i need to talk about it.
oh, except that, brenna and i walked over to tyler & rachel's for a bbq, and walked home with our kabobs, cuz we ran out of time before our meeting, and it was great. it's just a delight to be making new friends, and deeper friends out of older ones -- i'm just so in my element here.
and...
i think that's really it. i used to blog about all my feelings, but they don't really need to be online; and while work today was pretty blase, everything else that happened wasn't, but that still doesn't mean i need to talk about it.
oh, except that, brenna and i walked over to tyler & rachel's for a bbq, and walked home with our kabobs, cuz we ran out of time before our meeting, and it was great. it's just a delight to be making new friends, and deeper friends out of older ones -- i'm just so in my element here.
8.9.09
oooh. i see.
sometimes, you just have to support a friend who's trying something new, because your loving, genuine, 'i care more for you than how impressed i am by your work' support can mean that this friends has the means with which to grow in confidence, without fear.
6.9.09
winds of change?
he was patient.
he was quiet.
he wasn't rude, though under duress.
he was gracious.
and he said, 'thank you very much'.
hm.
he was quiet.
he wasn't rude, though under duress.
he was gracious.
and he said, 'thank you very much'.
hm.
29.8.09
review.
well friends, i've learned a lot this week.
i learned that we can approach God like an idol, just hoping to strike some sort of deal -- not knowing how much he desires to know us, not just fulfill our wishes. i learned that maybe, just maybe, israel's 40 years in the desert was God's heart expressing this -- he wanted them to come into the land of riches knowing him before the milk & honey.
i learned that loud and obnoxious can still equal insecure -- that even the words which seem to cut so deeply, which couldn't possibly be an accident, might just be someone else's hurt coming through. and if i can make Christ sufficient for my healing, then maybe, just maybe, i can have compassion, and step back to see where a friend needs grace and truth, not accusation and alarm.
i learned that my new (as of 10 hours ago) chiropractor has a technique which just might help me with me ankle.
i learned that floating down the old man river is AWESOME, and a great way to cool off and meet with friends.
i learned that moving in takes time, and sometimes the pieces just need to come together (aka, becca better get here soon...)...
hmmm. i learned a lot of things.
i learned that we can approach God like an idol, just hoping to strike some sort of deal -- not knowing how much he desires to know us, not just fulfill our wishes. i learned that maybe, just maybe, israel's 40 years in the desert was God's heart expressing this -- he wanted them to come into the land of riches knowing him before the milk & honey.
i learned that loud and obnoxious can still equal insecure -- that even the words which seem to cut so deeply, which couldn't possibly be an accident, might just be someone else's hurt coming through. and if i can make Christ sufficient for my healing, then maybe, just maybe, i can have compassion, and step back to see where a friend needs grace and truth, not accusation and alarm.
i learned that my new (as of 10 hours ago) chiropractor has a technique which just might help me with me ankle.
i learned that floating down the old man river is AWESOME, and a great way to cool off and meet with friends.
i learned that moving in takes time, and sometimes the pieces just need to come together (aka, becca better get here soon...)...
hmmm. i learned a lot of things.
i could've sworn i'd heard of this before...
rob steele *rob steele* is a friend of friends, who i've met once -- but he carries a reputation, at least for the cult-like response people exhibit when his name is spoken.
(think steve holt *steve holt* from arrested development -- except everybody in the room raises their arms).
so, rob has a blog, which seems really familiar -- as if someone else out there in the blogging world pointed me to it years ago.
anyway...it's worth reading. the thoughts and words and epiphanies of another disciple, another son, struggling to receive and walk in the light -- be encouraged.
rob steele *rob steele*
(think steve holt *steve holt* from arrested development -- except everybody in the room raises their arms).
so, rob has a blog, which seems really familiar -- as if someone else out there in the blogging world pointed me to it years ago.
anyway...it's worth reading. the thoughts and words and epiphanies of another disciple, another son, struggling to receive and walk in the light -- be encouraged.
rob steele *rob steele*
22.6.09
summer time
just a fun lil' double post, since it's been a while and my creative writing skills seems to be a bit lacking.
the turn in mood since summer hit has been amazing -- almost mind-boggling. around the end of wintertime, i start feeling as though i am falling to pieces. the cold, the grey, the whole lot...i just can't handle it after march hits.
and then..
here it comes...
warmer days...
less snow, and finally no snow....
sunshine all day long, later sunsets.
and it's summer!
whoooooooooo!
this post is less than exciting. i'm pretty sleepy right now. days are pretty full of life when it's sun time.
more posts later. i'll try and keep track of my witty observations so i can share them with you all.
loves!
the turn in mood since summer hit has been amazing -- almost mind-boggling. around the end of wintertime, i start feeling as though i am falling to pieces. the cold, the grey, the whole lot...i just can't handle it after march hits.
and then..
here it comes...
warmer days...
less snow, and finally no snow....
sunshine all day long, later sunsets.
and it's summer!
whoooooooooo!
this post is less than exciting. i'm pretty sleepy right now. days are pretty full of life when it's sun time.
more posts later. i'll try and keep track of my witty observations so i can share them with you all.
loves!
flashbacks
tonight, benny apples and i were walking our cute lil selves home -- having walked over to DQ to get blizzards, and then stopping by the girls' house to watch some Cute with Chris -- when we saw Deanna drive by.
She didn't see us.
Then, a car horn grabbed our attention and a blue pathfinder flew by -- !
jake dennill!
whaaat!?
fun times, running into friends in the street, sitting in cars, listening to matthew good, with or without his band.
She didn't see us.
Then, a car horn grabbed our attention and a blue pathfinder flew by -- !
jake dennill!
whaaat!?
fun times, running into friends in the street, sitting in cars, listening to matthew good, with or without his band.
7.5.09
rooted
If we skip the step of growing and cultivating in a local church we export an impotent message with little effect. The Apostles walked into cities and villages with the utmost confidence in the potency and power of the Gospel of Jesus Christ because they drank deeply themselves. The church is where we drink deeply of the Gospel and are transformed by the power of His Blood and Spirit.
-- ryan matchett
-- ryan matchett
3.5.09
through the children's gate -- adam gopnik
...Check for what? I think secretly. That they are breathing, as Martha does? That they are safe? But what could that mean? Though I tell them they are safe, none of us really knows what safety is, or means, or looks like when it is asleep.
I realize, in the middle of the night, that the love I feel for the children is not at every moment remote enough from the need I feel for them;
all the discipline I attempt to prepare to let them go into their own world, where they make up their own minds and fly away on their own wings, gets lost when I look at them. I want them here, safe, I want them this age forever, I want this situation -- two small children puzzled and, on the whole, happy at home, in a big city, not to change, even though I know that the parent's task is building up and letting go.
I realize, in the middle of the night, that the love I feel for the children is not at every moment remote enough from the need I feel for them;
all the discipline I attempt to prepare to let them go into their own world, where they make up their own minds and fly away on their own wings, gets lost when I look at them. I want them here, safe, I want them this age forever, I want this situation -- two small children puzzled and, on the whole, happy at home, in a big city, not to change, even though I know that the parent's task is building up and letting go.
11.2.09
The Kite Runner.
A few quotes from this most magnificent book.
"But it wasn't just that she'd found an audience for her monologues of illness. I firmly believed that if I had picked up a rifle and gone on a murdering rampage, I would have still had the benefit of her unblinking love. Because I had rid her heart of its gravest malady, I had relieved her of the greatest fear of every Afghan mother: that no honorable khastegar would ask for her daughter's hand. That her daughter would age alone, husbandless, childless. Every woman needed a husband. Even if he did silence the song in her."
"...I suspected every bearded man who stared at me to be a Talib killer, sent by Assef. Two things compounded my fears: There are a lot of bearded men in Peshawar, and everybody stares."
"...I wondered if that was how forgiveness budded, not with the fanfare of epiphany, but with pain gathering its things, packing up, and slipping away unannounced in the middle of the night."
"It was only a smile, nothing more. It didn't make everything all right. It didn't make anything all right. Only a smile. A tiny thing. A leaf in the woods, shaking in the wake of a startled bird's flight.
But I'll take it.
With open arms.
Because when spring comes, it melts the snow one flake at a time, and maybe I just witnessed the first flake melting.
...
I ran."
"But it wasn't just that she'd found an audience for her monologues of illness. I firmly believed that if I had picked up a rifle and gone on a murdering rampage, I would have still had the benefit of her unblinking love. Because I had rid her heart of its gravest malady, I had relieved her of the greatest fear of every Afghan mother: that no honorable khastegar would ask for her daughter's hand. That her daughter would age alone, husbandless, childless. Every woman needed a husband. Even if he did silence the song in her."
"...I suspected every bearded man who stared at me to be a Talib killer, sent by Assef. Two things compounded my fears: There are a lot of bearded men in Peshawar, and everybody stares."
"...I wondered if that was how forgiveness budded, not with the fanfare of epiphany, but with pain gathering its things, packing up, and slipping away unannounced in the middle of the night."
"It was only a smile, nothing more. It didn't make everything all right. It didn't make anything all right. Only a smile. A tiny thing. A leaf in the woods, shaking in the wake of a startled bird's flight.
But I'll take it.
With open arms.
Because when spring comes, it melts the snow one flake at a time, and maybe I just witnessed the first flake melting.
...
I ran."
10.2.09
a whispered yes
stunning sometimes to ponder
that all my future knowing
and all my future doing
will be a knowing-with and doing-for;
that you love me enough,
and love me yet,
to whisper me a Yes with your life.
-- john piper
that all my future knowing
and all my future doing
will be a knowing-with and doing-for;
that you love me enough,
and love me yet,
to whisper me a Yes with your life.
-- john piper
20.1.09
some highs and lows of 2008...
HIGH:
- gold cord at convocation.
- meeting lisa bromley.
- coming home in the biggest way ever.
- finding the kind of family that goes beyond bloodlines and straight into your lungs and your heart.
- JAB meeting in Carstairs.
- resolving conflict with dee-bot.
- learning to trust God for provision.
- ryan and jackie matchett.
- having deep friends to talk and walk out the hardest season of my life with.
- restoration.
- being friends with stephen and jessica barbour.
- tessa ella.
- jimmy rea.
- brenna applegate.
- GRAD RECITAL.
- finding out that i'm my brother's people.
- new bible
- first ever bridesmaid gig.
- painting
- scott and holly erickson and seattle.
- ... this list is really long.
LOW:
- not having enough money to buy groceries.
- gas prices (a high in their own way...)
- experiencing humility. or the process of there becoming.
- crappy news about married friends.
- my ankle still hurts.
- waking up at 5 am far too much.
- fighting with dee-bot.
- crappy mentoring situation.
- ... everything has its perspective so this list is a little bit harder.
- gold cord at convocation.
- meeting lisa bromley.
- coming home in the biggest way ever.
- finding the kind of family that goes beyond bloodlines and straight into your lungs and your heart.
- JAB meeting in Carstairs.
- resolving conflict with dee-bot.
- learning to trust God for provision.
- ryan and jackie matchett.
- having deep friends to talk and walk out the hardest season of my life with.
- restoration.
- being friends with stephen and jessica barbour.
- tessa ella.
- jimmy rea.
- brenna applegate.
- GRAD RECITAL.
- finding out that i'm my brother's people.
- new bible
- first ever bridesmaid gig.
- painting
- scott and holly erickson and seattle.
- ... this list is really long.
LOW:
- not having enough money to buy groceries.
- gas prices (a high in their own way...)
- experiencing humility. or the process of there becoming.
- crappy news about married friends.
- my ankle still hurts.
- waking up at 5 am far too much.
- fighting with dee-bot.
- crappy mentoring situation.
- ... everything has its perspective so this list is a little bit harder.
30.12.08
wisdom a la starbucks!
"the irony of commitment is that it's deeply liberating -- in work, in play, in love. the act frees you from the tyranny of your internal critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade around as rational hesitation. to commit is to remove your head as the barrier to your life."
-- #76, anne morriss, sbux customer.
"mother-love is not inevitable. the good mother is a great artist ever creating beauty out of chaos."
-- #36, alice randall, novelist.
"on the battlefield of ideas, winning requires moving toward the sound of the guns."
-- #290, new gingrich.
"do not kiss your children so they will kiss you back but so they will kiss their children, and their children's children."
-- #27, noah benShea.
"if you've got a dollar and you spend twenty-nine cents on a loaf of bread, you've got seventy-one cents left. but if you've got seventeen grand and you spend twenty-nine cents on a loaf of bread, you've still got seventeen grand. there's a math lesson for you."
-- #112, Steve Martin
-- #76, anne morriss, sbux customer.
"mother-love is not inevitable. the good mother is a great artist ever creating beauty out of chaos."
-- #36, alice randall, novelist.
"on the battlefield of ideas, winning requires moving toward the sound of the guns."
-- #290, new gingrich.
"do not kiss your children so they will kiss you back but so they will kiss their children, and their children's children."
-- #27, noah benShea.
"if you've got a dollar and you spend twenty-nine cents on a loaf of bread, you've got seventy-one cents left. but if you've got seventeen grand and you spend twenty-nine cents on a loaf of bread, you've still got seventeen grand. there's a math lesson for you."
-- #112, Steve Martin
14.9.08
one body fest
oooh boy.
so we've been planning this festival for months. september 12...it echoed in our minds and our day planners (or diaries) -- we couldn't get away from it.
what would happen?
would students show up? would they find a church? would churches show up?
we asked dozens upon dozens of questions, except...
will it rain?
will it pour and wind and be freezing cold?
answer: yes.
all the plans of mice and men...do go awry.
so we've been planning this festival for months. september 12...it echoed in our minds and our day planners (or diaries) -- we couldn't get away from it.
what would happen?
would students show up? would they find a church? would churches show up?
we asked dozens upon dozens of questions, except...
will it rain?
will it pour and wind and be freezing cold?
answer: yes.
all the plans of mice and men...do go awry.
