a million little pieces.

here's a piece:

My Mother speaks. As she does, her eyes start to tear.
Thank you, Joanne.
Certainly, Lynne.
My Mother walks around her desk and Joanne stands. They hug each other strong and true in the way that only women can hug each other. There is no hesitation between them and there is no distance. No emotional distance, no physical distance, no distance of any kind.

end.

I get along without you very well?

Of course I don't.

and I don't even know who you are.

Tonight, I played @ a friend's fundraiser/show. It was a great atmosphere, lots of talented people, lots of talented jazz musicians.

May I say that if you want to date a musician, I must recommend a young, talented jazz musician. They are just intrinsically hotter than the rest of us.

Moving on.

I got up to sing/play, and my guitar sounded tinny or something, and the whole sound was too loud, which is always slightly embarassing to hear, and I felt so awkward, and like I'd never performed before...ARGUGHGAGAH!!!

*sighs*

I also spent the day driving like crazy, for reasons unbeknownst even to me, really...chasing after something or someone, not realizing just how crazy I was being.

Anyway, on the way home, I wanted to talk to someone, to be held, to cry, and to feel comforted. To tell the stupidness of previous few hours, and have someone just not judge that, but understand it, and love me, and laugh!!! Because it was so ridiculous. Classic me.

However, no "one" was there, and I drove home alone, tired and carrying the weight of my day, and the knowing that I am moving back to Lethbridge in the fall, when my social network shrinks, and my family is gone, and that makes me hungry and ravenous for all the "time with" and "time doing" I can get...

I am working tomorrow. Or rather, today. Yippeee...sandwiches.



I was talking to Ben (BEN!?) about relationships, and he said something andrew lee said...andrew is excited to be with heidi, not with a girl, or a girlfriend, but with heidi.
Ben said that's how he feels about Ashleigh.

I thought, that makes sense. I don't feel that way about anyone -- or no one in particular. I'm just wanting to be with someone, anyone, and yes I want him to be amazing, but Ben sort of articulated this thought I've been having -- when I date someone (sooN!?), I want it to be like...he supercedes the other crushes I've had or do have...I think he has to be attractive or "it" above them, at least for my heart...

I fall in love too easily...I fall in love too fast.

beautiful self

.

i'm going to victoria today.

i have no confirmed place to stay...

i do have friends to hang out with, but i think they're all about real hospitality, and girls from bcalberta sleeping on their couches is not an option.

c'est un peu bizarre, oui? mais, c'est la vie.

i'll keep you posted.

love

m.

something new.

at church this year, I was prayed for/prophesied over a few times...and the words have stuck in my head.

particularly one about me being created as a wildflower...

still working out what that means. on days like today, I get a glimpse of the picture...and I like it.

what-what.

birthday:



june 3. delayed celebration.

me & a bbq, keeping happy theo ash brett jeff steve chong jon ben neal ash.

steve ben and chong making beautiful music in the basement.

darcy tyler mary jo! emily jonathon. come to hang out.

milkshakes @ denny's with les boys. birthdays bring out the generosity. love it.

near death driving experience with jesse b.

latelatelate night walk with ryan f.


way smaller partaaay than i expected, and some no-shows that were a shocker (zoe playing badminton for 3 hours...not at my house), but pretty much awesome. i will never be a chef for life, but cooking for people i love is great.



ok.

not my computer.

so, hello blogalanders.

i'm at my friend jonathon's house in east van (not earl styles though...little less ghetto).

it's good times -- lots of cyclers, so i haven't told them yet about my *cough* car.

mm. not much else to report. party @ my house tomorrow night in case you didn't already know.

COME OVER.

that's all.

here's a picture:



by: emily. "folkfest".

oooooh.

those kids on Laguna Beach are in HIGH SCHOOL.

it all makes so much more sense now.

it's that time again...

CANDLES!!!

Wh-what is new with me, you ask?

I can't think of where to begin.

We all know about my new job, yes yes, and there's no new boyfriend, nono. I got some new cd's for my new age (24).

Oh, and this:

I went to the chiropractor last Thursday, to ask about orthotics and the phenomenal pain in my back. We got that all sorted out, and $335 later, I was on my way.

Fast forward to SUNDAY: dad comes in to wake me up for church, and as I roll over, willing myself to consciousness, I notice that my back hurts. No biggie -- whenever I sleep for more than 6 hours at a time, my back is sore/stiff/etc. My ankles are still every morning when I wake up, so this is NO BIG DEAL.

HOWEVER:
I drive to church alone, because I got up late, and my back still hurts. This is sort of unusual, especially since when I breathe deeply, the pain worsens. All through church I feel pathetic, but the sermon is about DO NOT DESPAIR, so I think, ok, fine, I won't.

AFTER CHURCH, we go to milestones: still in pain.

Fast forward to MONDAY: I get up to go to work, still in pain, even after extensive stretching on Sunday night (before bed). Nonetheless, I drive to Stanley Park, and do my sandwich thing. While wheeling a cart of lasagnas and salads into the cafe, I slip on the freshly mopped floor, and fall on my derriere. MOMENTS LATER, I am walking back into the kitchen, and I slip on a piece of lasagna and fall again.

AH!

The pain is not much worse, but I elect to go home early.

WHILE DRIVING HOME: I decide to swing down dunbar, to see if Mikael is home. Somewhere on Pt.Grey Road, my flip flop gets caught under the gas pedal, just as I need to brake suddenly, so I violently SWERVE into the next lane, to avoid hitting the car in front of me. I take my shoes off. I am shaken, but ok.

LATER ON: my neck hurts. It is painful and nearly impossible to turn my head. AHH what have I done?

THIS MORNING: the chiropractor and I talked about WCB claims, at my pre-office hours appointment. She says, while fixing me up, that I seem to have whiplash, a muscular injury, and I should file a WCB claim.
*whiplash*, I think. Oh, and then I recall my self-inflicted car "accident".

I don't think I can claim that from WCB.

THUS: I am in pain. I will not despair, but I am in pain.

a greater thought.

for most of this year, i have been an AVID watcher of 'the amazing race'. family edition...wow. and now back to the regular edition, featuring "the hippies" bj & tyler. the final episode is on in...25 minutes.

i have a couple friends who wanted to hang out tonight, one of whom mocked my plans to watch 'amazing race' and 'lost'. fair enough, it's nice out, and she and i should hang out, but come on...

i'm talking about TRADITION.

happy birthday, happy birthday, happy, HAPPY BIRTHDAY to m e.

I wish it was still May 16.

Alas.

This picture is from last year, my birthday -- not the best pose, but fitting for the occasion, non?


On may 16, the 24th anniversary of my birth, I:

.got up early, and went to work.
..had a good, but hard, day at work. exhaust fans were broken so it was all heat in the kitchen baby -- ALL HEAT.
...got changed after work, which is worth mentioning, because...I said so.
....drove to n.vans (note: the exit from stanley park --> lion's gate bridge is CLOSED during evening rush hour).
.....dinner with chong, amanda, ashley/eigh, katrina b. and a grumpy waiter.
......asap, just the tail end.
.......bellinis and THE BEST CHOCOLATE TORTE EVER with laura b, sidney, amy. hoorah for milestones, and australian waiters.
........less b.day emails than previous years, but it's all good. natalie and kasey called, wow, kasey is so amazing, even at 6 weeks old, and over the phone.
.........sidney and I were talking about this amazing guy we know, who has all the girls in love with him, but ignores them all. I said he should go for this girl who liked him forever, sidney said, "he should go for you!!". that went a long way towards making today amazing. I never think of myself as the girl the guy should go for.
..........yay me.

oh my word. it's coming.

it's 11.53pm. in the province where i was born, it's already happened.

on may 16, 2006, i will be 24 years old.

i can't tell you how strange this feels.

i have a job that i love, but it is exhausting. i have no boyfriend, and no crushes to speak of. i just watched the season finale of grey's anatomy, and shows like that make me feel alone.

i'm still going to school, for a B.Mus, which may or may not amount to dreams coming true. i live at home, and i'm mostly broke. i have a beautiful guitar that sits in my room.

my brother, who's 19, tells me that he's cooler than me, and that my friends like him better than me. i can imagine in my head the day i snap and scream at him to stop saying that because it breaks me into pieces.

i have a lot of people scattered across the globe, who have little and big pieces of my heart. not that it's been taken apart, but it's spread everywhere. i long, sometimes ache, to see them again.

i never used to think that following God could be hard, but now that it takes my best friends into marriage, and me into alberta, it's getting tough. it doesn't seem fair. how could i be made to love so deeply, when the ones i love are adventurous and bold, and not here with me? how could that be fair?

at church this year, a man named blake prophesied over and prayed for me a few times. he prayed for a lot of things, not all of which i remember, and not all of which i will share. however, he did say several times that i am a beautiful wild flower, and God has made me that way. i'm not wrong, or a nuisance, or needing to be tamed -- i'm growing the way i was created to.

wild flower.

well, i'm 24 now -- happy birthday to me!

*sighs*

this sure is strange.

new things.

I learned how to properly use a knife yesterday. I also learned how to cut onions. Who knew there were such things to be learned?

In other news, I just bought a parking pass for Stanley Park for the month of May.
daily parking: $2/hour, $6/day.
my pass: $25/month.


I'll be 24 in a few short hours -- keep on your toes for an awesome party, june 3.

beach-y.

i...am really starting to like laguna beach.

oh what the heck, starting to?? i love it. well, i like it a lot. i'm hooked.

no more friday night life for me.

nono.

*sighs* the only man in my life was kasey, and now he's 14 hours away.



i live through the pretty blondes of california.

oh, and also, i got a job.

ack.black.blah.lah.lag.tublave.

I NEED A JOB.

IT MUST BE:
fun.
flexible.
well-paying.
interesting.
close to home.
challenging.
non-confrontational.
engaging.
musical?
perfect.




ya, true story ladies. i don't know where i'll find it.

no hazel eyes here. nope. brown, but not hazel.

this is me, checking my email 1,000 times, and not having any new ones.

EXCEPT:
jessica bell will be @ the airport between 10.30 and 11.00 am tomorrow morning -- i'm not sure where, but i will find her.

jon bentall is getting married on may 20 in a small service -- thus, no invitation. it's strange, i think, to miss the wedding of a good friend. strange. major life event for you, a day of bike riding and mundaneness for me.

i emailed myself patty's email addresses -- that was handy.

i guess that's about all for now.

oh, you want to know how the last day in victoria was? ok, well, ma and i went to andrew dean's for lunch, and markwatt was there, and patty came too. then we walked to the beach (even though andrew thought we should drive, even though it's a 3.75 minute walk away). we adventured on the beach for a bit, found a crab, and when i held the crab, he dropped his claw -- that was weird.

we left the beach, sunburnt and smiling, said good bye to the boys, and headed off for dinner @ patty's, where i gave a small living-room performance. ahem.

we left patty's searched for, and did not find, gelato, then boarded the ferry and came back to richmond.

WHOOOEEE.

less animated.

[i don't know these people, but apparently they are joel, matt, and shawna. go patty's computer, go].


my posts don't have pictures...because i haven't been using my own computer. but i found pictures on this one.

*sighs*

but i'll look around on patty's computer, see what i can find.

SO MONDAY was amazing. we said farewell to andrew, and then had this little encounter:

me + ma: [re-packing the car].

mr.crutches: hey, that was really funny when you cut me off.

ma: is he talking to you?

me: huh?

mr.crutches: yeah, i was laughing.

me + ma: what? was that for us? hmm?

me + ma: driving around the airport parking lot, trying to figure out if we could have ever cut this guy off. we determined that it was impossible.

me + ma: driving around victoria, laughing every few minutes, and then admitting to each other that we were still laughing at, "hey, that was really funny when you cut me off."

thank you, mr.crutches, for a brilliant and funny memory.


Post-airport, mary-ann and i went to find somewhere for her to get her pics developed (or rather, put onto cd), because her memory stick was full.
Then, we went to find a beach, and discovered that reading and following a map is pretty dang fun.
We found the beach, watched a puppy play, exfoliated and tanned. I called andrew dean, he called me, and we slow-ran toward each other and embraced, to cheesey music, when he arrived.

ma + me went downtown, had lunch at an amazing irish pub, walked around the harbour, and i think that once again someone refilled our parking meter.

we explored some city gardens which paled in comparision to the x-men castle gardens, but it was ok. we took pictures at mile 0, and enjoyed some amazing ocean breezes.

THEN andrew dean made us dinner, we got the scoop on LOST from jeff (geoff?), played volley-tennis with andrew, jeff, tim and karen, had spitting contest, got maccccc'd up by jeff (geoff?), and finally arrived at laura's house to watch a movie and reunite with patty.

WHAT AN AMAZING DAY.

capital adventures

i'm in victoria, adventuring with mma and andrew.

andrew says he hates my brother, because ben said he hated andrew, while he was hidden under all the stuff in the van on the way to vancouver from lethbridge.

anyway.

we had really, really good dinner. captain's table, on the waterfront, in sidney.
we sang 21st century music in the rainforest.
we were blown away on mount doug. (i saw luke's house...well, mt.tolmie).
we went to the x-men castle.
we saw where andrew spends his summers (in paradise).

it was great.

the bad news is that we can't get in touch with the girl who said we could stay at her house on monday night.

homeless? hostel? hotel? lynne and john? andrew dean?

WHO KNOWS.

kind of exciting. kind of stressful (for me).

BUT I have gotten good news from pedalheads bike camps -- they want me to come for an interview on monday. I'll be in victoria, so we'll try and work that out.

Ok.

best moment from "rock n' roll high school".

quite possibly the worst movie i've ever seen (clips from), but the Ramones are in it, so that adds something.

here's a line:

[principal togar]: those ramones are peculiar people.

[policeman]: they are ugly....ugly, ugly people.

[getting pics off the internet is taking too long so i'll add visuals later, love melinda].

home.

my room is a jungle of stuff.
old stuff to throw away, new stuff to put away, everyday stuff floating around.

my laptop picks up somebody's wireless, but doesn't actually connect -- so i sit, staring at the "connected" icon, all the while knowing that it means nothing.

like a hollywood makeover. pretty on the outside, garbage on the inside.

hence, i blog from the family computer.

let's see what pictures i can find.

home.