ponderings.

I feel a little bit like a failure today.

Or maybe a lot.

I read a lot of textbook today at school, but it was psych 1000, and the scientific stuff doesn't stick as well as concepts and theories about human interaction (like in soc 1000).

I basically got home and ate a bunch of stuff I'm not supposed to while I'm on 'south beach'.

I have this hunger and thirst for God, for his righteousness, to know him more, for intimacy, for prayer -- but I don't really even know how to feed that a lot of the time. Or I feel like I don't...

And then I got an email from a friend today -- just an invitation to check out his blog/keep in touch while he's living out of the country.
In the year after grade 12, I basically had 2 friends who I spent almost all my time with, and he was one of them. Good times. Really good. For him, he was moving away from a lot of crap he'd been into with other friends -- recreational pharmaceuticals and the like.

Anyway, the pictures on his blog kind of sent me flying, and the tone of the writing too. Just a lot harder and more biting than I would've expected...and a lot more partying in the pics that I would've expected.

Just kind of shocked me. Maybe broke my heart a little.

There is so much more to this life -- this weekend renewed in me, reminded me...I will die for Christ, but I will also live for Christ. And I will absolutely fail in that. I will probably feel alone in it...and feel sorry for myself...

but I can see you again Lord.
I can see you on the horizon on my life...
I can see your sun, it's rising up...
and I don't have to be discouraged anymore.
I don't have to feel this loneliness anymore.
Cuz you're in my life, more than anyone could ever be.

-- jason upton. and me.

so. peace out.