a good high school memory!?

I had a friend in high school named ryan. We were in acting and stagecraft together, I think in grades 11 and 12. He had transferred from another school, and was this totaly bad ass, but we had a sweet friendship.

I don't really remember how or when it started, but I know we had a lot of fun in class together, learning how to build sets, and totally screwing up, and hoping that nobody fell through out platforms. Well, that was mostly me, and he'd fix my mistakes.

There are a couple of memories I have that are really precious though, and I'm thankful for them (because high school rememberances are generally not all that fond for me).

The one I'll share here happened just after I performed my one-woman-show (Grade 12 final acting project). It was so intense guys -- I'm not sure I even kept the script. It was a daring write for me, because I dove into dark places in my heart and mind, and wrote a script that frightened even me. It was the first time in my life where I laid myself bare, and the only time that I've done so with such intensity, and in front of an audience.

I didn't rehearse the piece, even though it had a dance component -- I knew exactly what it would be like. I knew it so deeply, and I just went onstage and did it.

When I finished, I was weeping, and when I walked off stage, ryan was there and...he was there.

I haven't seen him in years, and although I would love to, I'm ok with him being a friend from high school. I hadn't thought about him for a while, but sometimes it's good to remember the good stuff.

imogen heap!

'Hide and Seek'

Where are we?
what the hell is going on?
the dust has only
just begun to fall
Crop circles in the carpet
Sinking feeling


Spin me round again
and rub my eyes
this can't be happening
when busy streets a mess with people
would stop to hold their heads heavy


Hide and seek
Trains and sewing machines
All those years
They were here first


oily marks appear on walls
where pleasure moments hung before
the takeover
the sweeping insensitivity
of this
still life


Hide and seek
trains and sewing machines
Blood and tears
They were here first


mm what d'ya say?
that you only meant well, well of course you did
this it's all for the best, of course it is
that it's just what we need, you decided this?
what did you say?


Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
Mid sweet talk newspaper word cut outs
Speak no feeling no I don't believe you
you don't care a bit

it's a song.

midnight
lock all the doors
and
turn out the lights
feels like
the end of the world
this sunday
night.

somehow
i can't
seem to find
the quiet
inside
my mind.

oh
my fears have
cornered
me here.

*sighs*.

What you don't know is that when I watch Grey's Anatomy by myself, I inevitably start to cry, because George and Izzie and Grey do something friend-y together, and I miss the crew back in BC.

Not that those BC kids are perfect, and I think I romanticize this perfect life on the coast whenever I'm living in the coulees, but seriously -- home is cool.

So, I miss it sometimes, and I end up in tears, and I just want to call Mikael or an Andrew or someone like that, but I don't, because I'm crying...

There are these moments when things get really stressful, or I'm actually upset, or my ankle is killing me, and the happiness here becomes transparent, and I realize how much I miss home. Sometimes, most of the time, it's easier to forget that Richmond, Vancouver, North Van, Burnaby (gaglardi exit!), Abottsford, Keats, Anvil, ETc... even exist, because when they do exist, it hurts to remember that I have a home there.

When I procrastinate, and let people down, it's harder because there's no history for them to remember my faithfulness or trustworthiness...*sighs*. Maybe I imagine how well I'm known at home, but then I remember how Mikael would skip to my favourite track on David Gray even though it meant skipping hers.

That's what you don't know.

it's beginning to look a lot like....

christmas?

maybe not quite yet...but it's definitely been snowing here in Lethbridge. Snowing, but not sticking. So...it's cold, and snowy, but no fun to play in.

today in my lesson, Tony said that he thinks I'll be a good voice teacher. That in a few years, he'd feel comfortable asking me to fill in for him at a masterclass.

WOO!

it's a HUGE compliment. and, I might be able to get a job teaching voice @ the U of L conservatory...which is very, very cool. Better money than the B&G club, and no commute...and it's encouraging that Tony thinks I could do it.

Very cool.

This weekend (Fri & Sat) is the Mozart! mozart! MOZART! concert --- yippee!! I get to wear my gown, and sing opera, and curtsy in heels (harder than you think).

I was talking to Mikael the other day about the difference between Thanksgiving turkey etc. leftovers, and CHristmas turkey etc. leftovers. After Thanksgiving, the leftovers are cool, yummy, good times. After Christmas, they aren't as fun, because Christmas is over. It's the most anti-climatic (climactic?) time of year, so even cold turkey and stuffing isn't as exciting as it was a couple months earlier.

peace out.

I wrote a song.

"If we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering
nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord
finds our desires, not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted
creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy
is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies
in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a
holiday at the sea."
-C.S. Lewis

I forget wherein this Lewis treasure is found, although I can tell you that the highlighted line inspired a song, and in fact these words found their way into my lyrics.

"Do I expect to little?
Am I arrogant to ask for more?
Am I too easily pleased with mudpies / ignore the beauty of the seashore..."
- m.appenheimer



So there.

THE PRESERVATIONIST

the preservationist is a novel by david maine. it's based on the story of noah's ark, and it is a fresh look atit which is an excellent read.

call me -- you can borrow it.

this is an excerpt from a chapter narrative by the wife of Cham, noah's eldest son.


"It seems to me that Yahweh has a thing or two to answer for. But I'm the first to admit, there's a lot I don't understand. So I'll get back to the mountains, one day, maybe years from now, and collect those shells. Some of them were even embedded in stone, odder still. I'll study them and try to understand what they're doing there, and perhaps through understanding Yahweh's creation, I can understand Yahweh. At least a little. Perhaps by understanding Him, I'll better understand His moivation for destroying so much of the beauty He had wrought.
It's the least I can do, I suppose. Give Him the benefit of the doubt, try to understand before passing judgement."

could this be what Paul is saying?

from Captivating...

"...many of the Scriptures on the Role of women in the church are a reflection of God's concern for a woman's protection and spiritual covering. We live in a dangerous world. Satan's opposition of the Church is vicious. He bears a special hatred for Eve. It follows that God would want to ensure that a woman helping to advance his Kingdom would be offered the covering and protection of good men. Issues of headship and authority are intended for the benefit of women, not their suppression...
God desires that wherever and however you offer yourself to the Body of Christ, you'll have the protection of good men over you. Not to hold you back, but to set you free as a woman. Christ has made man his warrior, to offer his strength of behalf of Eve so that she might flourish...we're talking about the true fellowship of those whose hearts are captured for Jesus, who have become his intimate allies. You want to offer yourself to those who thirst for what you have."

Captivating is about "unveiling the mystery of a woman's soul"...

The title sounds cheesey, but the book has been amazing to read. God's doing some big things in me, healing some deep loneliness, but doing it this time in the context of me learning to live in a community of believers -- and stepping out with my gifts, offering them, and trusting that there is a place for me...an irreplaceable role in a great adventure.

women are cool.

"To be Queen Elizabeth within a definite area, deciding sales, banquets, labors, and holidays; to be Whitely within a certain area, providing toys, boots, cakes, and books; to be Aristotle within a certain area, teaching morals, manners, theology, and hygiene; I can understand how this might exhaust the mind, but I cannot imagine how it could narrow it. How can it be a large career to tell other people's children about the Rule of Three, and a small career to tell one's own children about the universe? How can it be broad to be the same thing to everyone and narrow to be everything to someone? No, a woman's function is laborious, but because it is gigantic, not because it is minute."

- G.K. Chesterton, What's Wrong with the World.

remember the kind of september...

For those of you who've known me for a few years (say, 4-6), you'll remember my pre and/or post ywam experience...well, you won't remember the experience from MY point of view, but rather from your own.

Perhaps you will recall what you saw in me, changes, good and bad...

what am I trying to say?

It's been a long road back from Australia.

Four years ago, I was getting ready to go, I was working @ the Portland Hotel...I was waiting for my visa, and I was excited to encounter God, to travel, and I was expecting a life change.

I got all of those things, and then the fall out.

Now, DTS was incredible -- I can't imagine my life now without it, but I think that post-ywam was much more painful than it needed to be.

I think that now, in Lethbridge, God's digging into the healing of that, which is really...hard. What's cool right now is that my ivcf staff leader is willing to come alongside me in some of that, and help me walk it out...which is a vital shift in the post-ywam experience for me. Having someone who isn't just a friend, but who is a pastor and a leader, to be a part of me figuring this out. Troy's rad. I think he's really going to hold me to becoming a part of this community, and not just settling for loneliness and solitude.

ANyway...I'll keep you posted.

:)



To those at home for whom this post makes sense...thank you for sticking with me, and being the face of love.