s-a-t-i-s-f-i-e-d.

I just won a game of (computer) solitaire...with a score of 700. Not my highest ever, but such a clean number...I've been aiming for it for a while now. Heh.

ALSO just won a game of FreeCell...good times, good times.

But what's really on my mind is this "where to go to school" business. I went to my brother's high school valedictory ceremony last night. McNair's 32nd annual...
This one talented, bright, motivated young man (martin, is his name) walked out with probably $50,000 in awards and schlarships (assuming the governor general's bronze medallion is about $20,000).
And there were all these kids, the other scholarship winners, who have career goals -- chartered accountanting, dentistry, pharmacology, business, commerce, entrepreneurial pursuis...
I finished high school 5 years ago, and I have a Diploma in Music...

So that's not too impressive.

But in thinking through the last 5 years of my life, I have to conclude that I don't really care who is or isn't impressed. I can't even pump myself up enough to impress anyone.

In the end, however, I'm not trying to impress anyone. When I talk about going to Australia, I try and make it sound so cool, but in light of other adventures you can have there, my time with YWAM pales frightfully. At least when you're looking at it the way the world does. In another sense, it was rich beyond comparison.
I went there to find God, because I needed to. I couldn't force myself into anything else, I had to find him. When I thought about school, my mind and heart went blank -- no program, no "field of study", nothing about it appealed to me. There was just this dull, pulsing ache, the need to know the one whose fingerprints I supposedly bore.

So I went, I sought, I listened, I fought, cried, prayed, danced, sang...and found. Or was found? The language of intimacy doesn't often become words, but I can try. All that stuff about softly spoken words in the secret place...in a rush and a tumble it all began to make sense, in ways I wasn't even aware of.
And now -- now it just continues. Closer, and closer, and closer. Sin more painful, grace more deeply received, repentance quickly over with, wisdom more secure in my heart, hands more easily thrown open in surrender -- and all of it, just this incredible adventure that I get to live each day.

I'll be more bold, and make more mistakes. No doubt I'll continue to offend, and be forgiven by, those closest to me. My words will fumble out in broken sentences, and my hands will fail to serve. But also, I will grow. I will sing louder, and stronger, I will chase after what I want, running hard and fast when my legs have given out, giving a shout as I cross the immediate finish line.

So there it is. The question still remains, where to go to school? The worries are there...friends, money, stuff, blah...
but the truth is that my Father knows me, he said so himself. And he has my heart, more and more each day. I turn away sometimes, but that stings so much, because I'm looking at his face. He renews a right spirit in me everytime I feel that anguish of distance, and then we walk on, one step at a time.

Anyway. I should go.