October 9, 2002

Predictability
It is a truth universally acknowledged that predictive qualities exist within human beings. Little Johnny learned to read at age three, and is now at the top of his class in Kindergaten? Chances are, that kid is going to be intelligent and successful. Little Davey wants an earring, and -- although he's only in the first grade -- is constantly fighting with the boys in his class? Chances are, that kid is going to have some problems with the law. Sure, it's simplistic; but then again, humans are simplistic animals.
Ah, but aside from personality traits, there other predictive elements of one's persona as well: specifically, the way one chooses to present oneself to the public -- i.e., choice of dress. Not-so-little Caitlin enjoys wearing short skirts and halter-tops on Friday nights? Chances are, that girl's going to be a whore. Little Ronnie likes to wear sand-blasted jeans with the bottoms flared out? Chances are, that boy is going to be gay.

But what is the best superficial predictor of a more complex truth, you ask? Well, that would be the existence of chunky shoes.

That's right, ladies and gentlemen, if there is one predictive element that stands out above all others, it's the the astonishing power of the chunky shoe. Find me a girl with sandals the size of bricks, and I'll find you a girl with an IQ in the high-80s. Tops.

Need evidence? Want evidence? Gotta have some evidence? Consider this exchange that I had with a girl named Annalisa -- wearer of chunky shoes -- during my Oral Communication class this morning:


Annalisa: Yeah, I'm all for abortion, but I oppose [RU-486].
Me: Why's that?
Annalisa: Because of the effects it can have on a woman's health.
Me: I don't understand; you're "all for" abortion, yet you're opposed to RU-486? Doesn't getting an abortion have effects on a woman's health as well?
Annalisa: No, I meant mentally.
Me: You don't think getting an abortion affects you mentally, but RU-486 does?
Annalisa: Well, yeah...but...
Me: Well, if that's the case, then why do you support the legalization of abortion?
Annalisa: Because I believe in a woman's right to choose.
Me: Huh?
Annalisa: I said, because I believe in a woman's right to choose.
Me: (Palm hits forehead) Ugghhh.

Granted, this is not to say that I'm opposed to either a woman's right to an abortion or the so-called "day after pill," RU-486; rather, what I am opposed to is the ignorance of this girl's response.
But then again, given the size of her shoes, I probably should have expected it.

POSTED BY RYAN | 11:50 AM

I believe I mentioned this guy's blog the other day. this is an excerpt. one I found rather amusing.