Ahh....

It would seem that my life is a paradox. The very thing I want the most (that is, intimacy with God) is the very thing that can keep me from the other things I want (that is, intimate friendships). I admit that God is my everything. I can't think of hope, joy, peace, blessings, thanksgiving, turmoil, struggle, hardship, pain, sorrow, et al. without Him being a part of it.

We also heard from a woman named Faith this week about intimacy with God/image....God really spoke to me through her. I realized that God really loves me, and hence His love has to be enough (ie. not seeking other approval/love, but just resting in God's).
Yeah.

Just a little snippit from an email I sent home during my 2nd or 3rd week of Dts. Really, for me, that's what it comes down to. A man whom I greatly admire and respect once prophesied over me (well, more than once actually). Anyway, what he said was, at the time, the most powerful words I'd ever had spoken to me. He said that...he knows the loneliness of being called as a leader. Of being intimate with God to where to feel separate from your peers. Wow. I used to think that meant I'd always feel without close friends. NOT SO!!! I know now that isn't God's will for me. But...I've had a small revelation tonight...I think that the way my faith is, or the way I am about my faith...forget that, let me try again. The intimacy I have with God is uncommon, and I am a little naive about it. I never expect someone to be offended by that. But I think what can happen is it can separate me from people, because while I know that I am broken (trust me, I know) and I know that feeling, I don't know it without God by my side. I...I've known loneliness, but not without God. Pain, the stabbing of rejection and hatred, betrayal...but not without God to turn to. How else would I have survived?

Perhaps I can be an example of one who is on track with God (which is funny, because often in my own mind, I am not), but I hate that it will keep me at a distance from some of the people I love so dearly.

So whoever you are, if you know me, I pray that you will understand my heart, as much as possible. I pray that you will know that when I talk of God's work in my life, it's because that's what I see is worth living for. I don't have much else to talk about, especially these days with no job, no boyfriend (whatever), no...fascinating course topics to discuss...and I hate superficial friendships, so let's not even bother with that. For me to be real...to admit my weaknesses takes so much trust...and one thing I've been trying to learn is boundaries...not pouring too, too much of myself out all at once. Mmmm...all of you out there are not the One I need to be figuring this out with though. Sorry for wasting your time.

feel free to send me any thoughts...melindaslife@hotmail.com

I'm not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the salvation of all who believe. Romans 1:16