one last thing...Pernille called me today, and that was amazing. It felt just like we were sitting at our kitchen table or cuddling on a couch or sleeping out in the living room...and we were just talking.

it's good because we can affirm the TRUTH to each other, and even though I can't live in dts forever, it's so nice, and such a relief, to talk to people who understand what I've been through, instead of having to explain it, and even then feeling alone.

ugh! I...I know that I changed so much...but do people here see that? Do they care? it's hard to have friendships where respect and mutual caring aren't a big focus. On dts, so much time...mm...I don't know how to say this, but I think...we just cared about each other enough to be honest and upfront. Sometimes brutally so...and I didn't have too many hard conversations where the other person just walked away. My friend Paul and I had a really tough few weeks, but we talked about it, and yeah...we'd walk away then come back later and chat some more, just trying to figure it out.

Though I must admit, my pattern of running away from groups and hoping someone will come find me and love me and talk to me has never gone away. I still gotta work on that. Mmm....