So really, I think that what I'm dealing with right now isn't that much different from things I dealt with on dts. The difference is, the lack of daily contact with my outreach team and my housemates, harold street boys, and all the rest. Those people who didn't let me run off and sink into this "despair"...They were so good @ keeping me accountable...and I miss that.

I am sometimes scared that I don't have the self-discipline to do this on my own. But of course I do! It's just that...it's easier to feel sorry for myself; in the hopes that somebody will notice and pay attention to me! I totally thought I'd gotten over this...I guess not.

I spent some good time alone today. Well, it was kind of good. It was time with God...but I get so easily distracted. It was a beautiful setting though...out on the dyke @ the end of Blundell Road. Gorgeous sky....blue, with white clouds here and there. And the landscape/seascape/mountainscape out there is actually quite stunning.

Anyway, I don't know that I came to any conclusions...it was really hard for me to focus. I was upset about quite a few things.

And there's this boy I know...and I don't really want to date him...I really just want to get to know him...but it seems to be an impossible task! ARGH!! It's so frustrating...I feel like with most of the friends I have, I pursue them. Phone calls, emails, dropping by, planning stuff, driving to and from and back again. When I have free time, sometimes I spend it alone, but more often than not, I think, "hey I haven't seen so-and-so in a while...maybe I'll call...". I...I mind sometimes. Why must it always be me? Doesn't anyone want to pursue me as a friend? Am I not worth the time, the effort? As if it takes all that much to make a phone call...or send an email...

Gah!



Staying home alone on a Friday

Flat on the floor looking back

On old love

Or lack thereof

After all the crushes are faded

And all my wishful thinking was wrong

I'm jaded

I hate it



I'm tired of being alone

So hurry up and get here

So tired of being alone

So hurry up and get here

~John Mayer